My Weight Loss Visual

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Anyone Else Feel This Way?

Self control, caring about what I look like, eating what I should and not what I want...

In the past, eating what I WANTED was what I should... all the new foods were interesting and good, and flavorful... now? I've eaten them all so much that I'm bored. I know that's one problem... the second? Stress. Lord above, STRESS is making me eat myself alive. There are parents out there who are just not reasonable... They have high expectations of either their own children or what my job SHOULD entail. I've literally been told that if I take in 130 essays on Friday, that I should have them handed back on Monday.
Um, really?
How many other people out there work 12+ hours a day (I only technically get paid for 6) and THEN on teh weekends spend every moment (it would be 14+ hours on the weekends) just to get the essays done? It takes me at least a half hour each essay to correct. That being said... do the math. 130 x 0.5 = 65 hours. NOT ENOUGH TIME. I refuse to do a poor job, for one thing, and secondly, my husband didn't marry the shut office door. He married me. So I deserve to be able to actually spend time with him - go for walks, go shopping. I DESERVE to go to the gym, see my friends Saturday night, read my book on Sunday. I spent 3 hours working on Sunday, took Saturday off, and I'll start again on Monday my day of 7:50 am - 5 pm work. But I deserve time, the end. I hate being told I'm not 'doing my job' when I'm doing the best I can... I know I'm a good teacher. My kids love me, my peers think I'm doing a great job, and my principal has told me that she'll do anything to keep me. But still... that one parent really causes me stress. I sometimes wish I felt a calling for some other career other than teacher, but there you have it.

So, somehow, when parent-teacher interviews pop up, I have to find instant release and relief. I literally have NO BREAKS (its a long story) but when I steal a bathroom break, I normally pop in and grab a chocolate muffin with a cookie and a brownie and SHOVEL them in my mouth without even TASTING THEM just to relieve the stress. It's horrible, and I hate myself even more. if I could bring my guitar with me to the staff room and play that before heading out... that would help. But I can't...

I'm tired of seeing 207 on the scale. I miss the 190's...

I need to get past this year somehow. Lord help me...

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Thanksgiving Control

Weather's been a little nippy around Calgary lately - I can't feel my toes little guy but I'm still glad I'm not you!!

Okay, so for those of you that know me personally (which I think there is NONE, because I haven't told anyone yet), I am a *teeny* wee bit of a control freak. Hell, there is a REASON Im' a teacher. So, that is why I feel better when on WW - because even if I GAIN, I know exactly why and I know I am in CONTROL.
Sad, I know.
So, this Thanksgiving, my hubby and I are throwing the 'big soiree' at our place. I've already entered my points in my tracker for my meal AND desserts (especially since we know exactly what we're making and how much each thing will 'cost me') and even my breakfast.
My first WI wasn't great - only down 1.4lbs. I was hoping for a higher loss, but I knew better. On Thursday I had a buffet put on for all Jr High teachers, and Friday was a school teacher dinner where everyone brought something in. The buffet normally would have been controlled, but it was a GONG SHOW - the dinner was held in a tent OUTSIDE (-10 degree weather may I add) so we were wearing our coats and mitts to eat, the food was in another OUTSIDE TENT, they ran out of food and we had to wait, and we were the last called for the buffet, so we were fed one hour and 45 mins after it started. It was horrible. It was just horrible. The only thing basically taht was left was potato salad, so I wolfed that down (because since my surgery, if I get hungry, I get nauseated because my body still doesn't know how to regulate the bile... yech) and didn't give a HOOT about points. SO... really? To be down at ALL was a good thing.
At least I burned off some AP dancing for an hour afterwards. The only time we were warm... ish.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Chocolate... oh chocolate...

it's everywhere.
I can't resist!
I even made chocolate chip cookies (what's wrong with me?) but they were low and good...
my scale is still around 209, which actually isn't bad. For the longest time, before my surgery (it was Sept 25) I was 217 according to that scale. There was one day that it read 219.8... I almost died. So, 209 I can handle. I really dream of the 190's again.. that was a beautiful time and place, but I have to do it in a positive way.

What I need to do is be like this guy :

I miss going to the gym, and feeling like my kitty. This is what my boy cat actually looks like:

Oh, and he snores. Loudly. A LOT. So this is what I feel like lately. Due to post surgery, I can't quite go back to the gym just yet. I have an infection in some of the small cuts (it was a laproscopic surgery, so I'm okay) and they're ITCHY... so itchy. I've been trying to clean the house or convince the man to go for a walk (so far, not working - it's been COLD) but maybe I'll get more done this weekend by baking and running around.

So, because I'm a junior high teacher, we have a celebration banquet to attend to. I'm PRAYING that I can stick to my low points meal tomorrow and not want to eat the chocolates that I'm giving ot my kids (I'm goign to tell them to take TWO) and behave at the banquet. At least I can't drink (T3's not a good mix) so no wasted calories there.

Here's hoping we'll all survive this week. My WI is Friday... so hold on to our panties for that one.. my first official WI from being back.
Pray for me.... yikes.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Trying one step at a time...

Everyone's done it. Started again. I honestly can't think of anyone that has lost weight all in one go and kept it off completely. I struggle. I attempt to care. I push myself one day, and the next eat ice cream and chocolate sauce. I have learned something vital throughout this whole adventure since Aug. 28, 2007;

I can fail.

Well, I guess you never really fail until you've completely given up, and I've never been a fan of giving up. I'm quite stubborn when I want to be. But, alls told, I really feel that I've 'surrendered' to the higher power of cravings and candy, and ignored the 'get your butt back into those good eating habits girl!' voice in the back of my head. I felt alone for a long time. I felt lost. I felt like I had been abandoned by the people who started in 2007 with me. But then I have to ask - why did I need them anyway? Isn't this supposed to be for me? I still go to the gym. I still choose 'lite' brands of food (although I rarely sit down with a bowl full of carrots at the end of a hard day), and I still dislike regular chips.
There has to be hope for me yet?

If you are reading this, you are either a past friend (in which case, I MISSED YOU!) or you are a new comer (welcome to my ranting). Either way, your journey too, will take you places you never forsaw. I honestly did NOT see a speed bump coming in my weight loss journey when I started - I was full steam ahead. But I learned... I learned that sometimes you NEED to fully remember what it is you're here fore. You need to re-hear all those things you knew before. Its like being told you're loved - you know it anyways, but hearing it again just makes you feel like it's REAL.

I love you. You can do this. You CAN be healthy and smaller. YOU CAN.

Makes you all warm and tingly, doesn't it?

We can do this together, you, me and the computer screen. I'm tired of feeling like I'm fatter than I am, I'm tired of clothes not fitting anymore, and I'm tired of being out of control.

I am here, and I plan to TRY to stay.

Welcome all. This is today. I promise to poke you if you promise to poke me once in a while.